Hello, everyone!

[galled]

You don't come across as insensitive at all. I always am excited to answer any questions anyone has, and I love discussing these things as it really helps open people's eyes about the disorder. You can ask as many questions as you want! Don't be discouraged if you think one may not be appropriate. It takes a lot to get me uncomfortable/mad, so there's nothing to worry about. c:

Thank you for your understanding and I will keep that in mind.

Art therapy is nice but it doesn't always help.

Well, nothing is 100%

While I love drawing when there's a purpose behind it, sometimes the whole process of getting these things out in a digital canvas or even traditional means is the most stressful part. I chose to focus mainly on how things affect me, and focus on negative aspects in my artwork as sometimes my weaknesses become my strengths, if only temporarily.

Ah, that's what I thought and it comes through. On one level, the stereotype of the conflicted, suffering, troubled artist has become so cliche' in modern times that it's the positive and inspirational ones that are rare today. I guess all boiled down is whether art is primarily intended for personal taming of your private demons or primarily to share emotional bonds with. Do you want to share your pain or create work to minimize your pain that may help others as well?

I know how easy it is to use art as a reflection of yourself, but a genuine artist (we can debate what constitutes "art" and "artists"--I know Diana loves that one!) can create and pass the emotional soul to viewers. It just so happens that the way we're wired, the thought process and actions of doing these things affects you profoundly in the process. Which is why I'm wondering if you thought of the something or things that would make you feel less anxious or lonely and produced it in an art form that would that would make the viewer feel the same as intended, if it would help you feel the same way (less anxious or lonely)?

That's very true! I only have one friend RL, they're my best friend, and I isolate myself from other people. I'm in an abusive home currently, planning to move in with my friend as soon as we find a place that we can afford. I don't trust people but I'm trying my very best to open up. Anxiety is a key thing and at times if I know I have to go somewhere the next day I won't be able to sleep. Because if it I rarely sleep anyway.

I can say that having one real friend in life is an accomplishment. Having more than one is rare. Regardless, I'm very sorry about your home. I've lived it and my heart goes out to you. All I can tell you is that you can make things better by planning and adapting. It sounds like you're on the right track. As for anxiety, I get that too--find it hard to sleep when I have something to do the next day out of the ordinary. I find that if you do it enough (go to that place "somewhere") enough, the anxiety decreases.

Yep, lack of sleep is a downward spiral... Naps help a great deal.

I would say making art that could counter those feelings in a positive way would be helpful. Sort of like day/night. For the symbolism in my artwork, I hallucinate often and I see the red/blue glitches very often in my vision. Sometimes it makes it hard to see because things are distorted. Nearly everything in a piece that is made for the purpose of expression has those components in it. I also see people as colors and shapes.

I hope that makes sense! If I need to clarify, please let me know!

Thank you! I think I understand. What if you drew people as you'd like to see them? I would love to see that!
That would be one idea that might help and I'm sure would be of interest to anyone viewing your artwork.

For example, the art here on Windlyn (and I am biased) makes me smile. Some makes me feel warm and fuzzy, some makes me feel humbled on how clever it is. But it's all positive stuff and given a choice, I choose positive over negative. I hope that's not too simplistic.

Thank you again!! I love this place so far.

Thank you!
Everyone is happy you're here too!

[Lemon Cheesecake]

I find Physical therapy has been the most productive help - I love the warm moist blankets they use ( I hate the ice pads, I feel all stiff after them) and sometimes the ultrasonic therapy has been very helpful - at least I can feel mobile after treatments.

Watery: water therapy, if in a warm pool, should help your muscles get stronger.

I am so sad to hear your scoliosis is not that bad, NCR. I knew someone who had surgery for it and was immobilized for post op for quite awhile and then a back board for quite some time but after recovery she seemed to be able to move around so much easier and be in a lot less pain. People do not realize how uncomfortable and debilitating it can be. I am so very sorry your home life is not stable and you do not have a place you feel safe, my heart goes out to you - those feelings of insecurity and fear affects our emotional and mental status, especially with lack of sleep (which can cause you to be delirious or hallucinate in itself). Do you think you have nerves being pinched from the scoliosis that is affecting how you think and see? If you throw up from the pain it shows that it is affecting your body. I have mild scoliosis which makes my back uncomfortable sometimes but not to the degree I get sick ( at least I have never connected it to that). I hope you can find a home/place to feel safe in. Atleast Windlyn should give you a little reprieve and a place to relax, I hope you feel comfortable here. We try to encourage each other here.

[noisechannelrocker]

monkeygirl18
Thank you so much! I love it here! c:

watery star
I'm sorry to hear that one of those doctors neglected to treat you. It's very hard to find a good doctor that's willing to sit down and listen to what's wrong and actually want to help. But it's a huge relief when you finally get to meet them. I'm so glad you were able to see a specialist and I hope that you can eventually get the best meds for helping with your condition.

Anytime! I love making new friends and getting to know people. c:

I haven't watched March Comes in Like a Lion, but I've thought of it the past few times I've seen it! Is it good?

Therapy is working, but not very fast. I've yet to open up about everything, but we are going t my pace and my therapist was assigned to me to earn my trust so I can open up without feeling blocked off. She's the best therapist I've ever had. My meds work, but they don't stop hallucinations. I can currently only take 2.5mg of Zyprexa. It works as a sedative for me and knocks me out.

Anytime I have a flashback or really scary or bad hallucinations or nightmares, I lose control and effectively become aggressive. I scare myself so bad when that happens. I don't like "gliching" out like that.

galled
Yes. I want to share my pain and experiences through my art work so those that may be having the same issues or something like it can know they're not alone and that if they need to talk about it I'm always there. I was extremely suicidal for a while and sometimes that relapses and I have to be careful with myself. When I put my pain in a digital piece I want to get it out so I can visually see it and face it. It's like defeating a part of yourself.

It does help. On one of my pieces, I believe it was "Ode To Sleep" I had another Schizophrenic person actually comment and discuss their hallucinations with me. it was very nice being able to know I'm not alone in this and neither are they. It makes me feel less lonely and anxious when I know there's people like me.

Up until a few months ago I had no one, but got back in touch with him after almost 3 years. We're still best friends even now and he's never stopped supporting me and being just an awesome person all together. He's HeirOfMoonFire on here, you probably seen tthat he was the first one I pinged in my hangout.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with an abusive home, too. Mine is violent, emotionally, and mentally abusive. Thank you so much for offering this place as a safe place to me. I feel very safe around all of you and this site is very comforting. I love the colors and I love the people here. I want to get to know everyone and become close friends with everyone.

That's true! It's gotten to where now, when I know I'm heading to a safe place (therapy), I can sleep without issue for some reason. It's very nice. For some reason I am unable to sleep even during naps, I just have a thing where I lay there with thoughts racing in my head and I can't keep up.

I would love to do that. In my piece "My Fallen Friend" I actually drew my good friend (whom is now deceased), Spencer, as a cube/square. The codes going through him is what I see when I hallucinate and I talk about it often. He's the only person I've seen as a square and the only person I've identified as the color green.

I agree so much! The art here on Windlyn is adorable, reminds me of TinerMe. I love it!

Lemon Cheesecake
I love swimming and back in the summer I got to swim 3 times, it was such a relief on my back and I would love to own my own, heated, pool one day.
Every doctor I've been to has said it's not bad enough for surgery or a brace yet, and that it should correct itself on its own. (Just recently I had gotten taller. From 5'2" to 5'4") I think that may be the source of the back pain. My muscles adjusting to my spine levelling out.
My back is pincing nerves in my hips and one verterbrae is pushed in. My legs and hips go numb whenever I sit down and my shoulders and arms do that sometimes too.
Thank you so much for being so kind to me - honestly I'm terrified of meeting people, but I love making new friends, but this place feels like a saffe place to me and I love it here. You're so nice and it's so nice to experience all of it first hand.
I've thought maybe my back may be the reason I think or see things differently, but I can never be sure. I can ask my doctor the next time I see him though!

Thank you so much! I love this place and I feel super safe here and welcomed by all of you. Thank you again for being so kind to me. You guys have no idea how much it means to me.

[galled]

Yes. I want to share my pain and experiences through my art work so those that may be having the same issues or something like it can know they're not alone and that if they need to talk about it I'm always there. I was extremely suicidal for a while and sometimes that relapses and I have to be careful with myself. When I put my pain in a digital piece I want to get it out so I can visually see it and face it. It's like defeating a part of yourself.

I understand. Makes sense.

It does help. On one of my pieces, I believe it was "Ode To Sleep" I had another Schizophrenic person actually comment and discuss their hallucinations with me. it was very nice being able to know I'm not alone in this and neither are they. It makes me feel less lonely and anxious when I know there's people like me.

Yes, it's nice when your work connects to another.

Up until a few months ago I had no one, but got back in touch with him after almost 3 years. We're still best friends even now and he's never stopped supporting me and being just an awesome person all together. He's HeirOfMoonFire on here, you probably seen tthat he was the first one I pinged in my hangout.

That's great!
When he's ready, I look forward to him joining our little community.

I'm so sorry you had to deal with an abusive home, too. Mine is violent, emotionally, and mentally abusive.

I'm so sorry. No one should have to deal with that. Mine was physical and mental abuse. It wasn't possible to stay at home. I had no choice. Sounds like you've got the option to prepare for your future. Take advantage of it!

Thank you so much for offering this place as a safe place to me. I feel very safe around all of you and this site is very comforting. I love the colors and I love the people here. I want to get to know everyone and become close friends with everyone.

The Windlyn community really is wonderful!

I would love to do that. In my piece "My Fallen Friend" I actually drew my good friend (whom is now deceased), Spencer, as a cube/square. The codes going through him is what I see when I hallucinate and I talk about it often. He's the only person I've seen as a square and the only person I've identified as the color green.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I think I understand the symbolism.

Anyway, back to art therapy, what I was getting at is to think about how you'd like to see your friends, things that are important to you, and not what you do see, and make that. The differences is:

Instead of what you see => your artwork

Think about what you'd like to see (not what you see) => your artwork

The problem with the former is you can get stuck in a bad cycle (if you continue to play in the mud, you remain dirty). The latter is different because it requires a different mindset to even start it. I hope that makes sense.

- Hopefully helpful. Hopeful in any case!

[Watery Star]

Thanks. I have a much better feeling about this specialist then when I first got referred to him.
I like meeting new people too. ^^
March Comes in Like a Lion is sad but heartwarming at the same time. I'm only a few episodes in so far. I'm preparing myself for it being a tear-jerker.

Therapy can take time. I'm glad it's helping and going at your own pace sounds good.
Do you only take at bedtime?
I'm sorry you have to go through that. I've been on meds that messed up my thinking and that scared me. Do you have ways to combat those situations? Is it hard to tell when it's just a flashback or hallucination?

[noisechannelrocker]

galled I understand. Instead of drawing my hallucinations and, at times, delusions I should try to draw what I'd like to see. Is that correct?

Thank you so much! You're a big help.

watery star
Yes I only take medicine at bedtime as my Zyprexa knocks me out almost an hour or so after I take it.
I can't take Zoloft or Celexa as I get super violent with those and it literally makes me think horrible and at times extremely graphic ways of hurting myself or someone else. I don't like that because that's not the type of person I am.

I unfortunately don't have ways to combat those besides delay episodes by dsitracting myself and playing a game or just running around. We're working on it in therapy currently.
Hallucinations happen differently than Flashbacks. Flashsbacks is reliving the event all over again and seeing it all happen in front of your eyes while your stuck and watching it play out, triggering the same emotion and response as if you were truly there again, then after it's over it's like someone has dropped you on your head and you're left by yourself to deal with the fallout of what comes after.

Hallucinations don't do those things, but delusions make me see and feel and act as if I'm living a certain fantasy out even if I'm just laying in bed and doing nothing but staring at the ceiling, sometimes even without experiencing something I will think i have and believe it happened even if it never did.

Hallucinations more so just crowd your vision or send you into a "blank" state, or at least it does for me. Where you have no emotion but are seeing these things and hearing things that aren't really there. You can see people around you and are still in "the now", you're just experiencing an altered version of reality from everyone else. I hope that makes sense.

[galled]

I understand. Instead of drawing my hallucinations and, at times, delusions I should try to draw what I'd like to see. Is that correct?

Exactly! Soon you'll recognize and relate to the things in your life similar to what you'd like to see. Keep holding on to and treasuring those things and your world will change! Body influences mind, mind influences body.

[Watery Star]

Good luck with finding ways to deal with it.
Thanks for explaining. I think I understand what you're saying better. I'm glad the hallucinations aren't troubling you. Does it ever throw you off? Or do you ever feel like you don't know where you are? I had a bad time with Paxil and I wasn't sure if I was dreaming or awake at times. It made me paranoid.

[noisechannelrocker]

Sorry for the late response, everyone!

galled
That's completely true! I'm going to focus on trying that as soon as I get my art comms completed! Being able to express the world and its environments the way I would like it to look would be a super cool project.

watery star
Yes, it throws me off almost constantly. Half of the time I don't know where I am and have to ask where I am. We've talked about getting a service dog for me. I'm just now realizing the last two or three years of my life I've been locked up in my room laying in bed and staring at my ceiling instead of doing this or that on the outside. It's really disorienting and I just realized a lot of my friends never existed.

[galled]

Fantastic! Can't wait to see what you do!

[MeatVegetable]

Welcome to Windlyn

[Lemon Cheesecake]

NCR, the first step is generally the most difficult to make but it sounds like you are making progress and looking for options to facilitate and aid you in actually living and enjoying your life and participating in this world.

How would you feel about getting a service dog? Is it something you might welcome or is there anxiety in caring for the animal? I am wondering if having a dog would help you to feel more protected? Maybe having someone "standing guard" over you would help you to actually rest/sleep.

[noisechannelrocker]

galled
Thank you so much! I'll be sure to link you as soon as I create a piece with that theme 333

MeatVegetable
Thank you for the welcome! I really like this site

Lemon Cheesecake
I completely agree. I'm looking for as many options as I can to help me function normally and be able to live my life without having to be paranoid all the time.

I've talked about a Service Dog with my therapist, psychiatrist, and my doctor, they all say it would be helpful for me. I love taking care of animals so I don't think I'd be having bad anxiety when it comes to taking care of them. I love giving them baths, food, water, brushing them, even taking them to vets for check ups. I love petting and cuddling them, too. I love spending time with them and I feel extremely safe with them around.

I think so too. Knowing that I have someone there to protect me and me to protect them would make me feel a lot safer and I think maybe then I could actually get some sound sleep because it would let me know I'm no longer in danger.

[Lemon Cheesecake]

where you are, will a service dog costs be covered by your health insurance? Or is there a non-profit organization that would assist you with the costs? I suppose another option is taking in a foster animal and training ity ourself?

[Watery Star]

Sound like a service dog would be perfect for you.

No health insurance, even from private companies, covers service animal expenses. However there are many nonprofit organizations that raise, train, and offer service animals and can do so at a reduced cost if you qualify.
Check to see what's available in your area.

I've been thinking about getting a service dog too. I'm just within range of an organization that trains mostly former shelter dogs into service animals. I'd have to go in twice a week to the center for training. That can last a few months and then after training there's a one year probationary period. After that the dog is yours. (The dog is with you all that time but if things don't go well it could end.) I forgot how much it would cost from them but it's not cheap even with a reduced price.