Life....

[CopperCrewe]

Man, I seem to be so wishy-washy with visiting this website... I know I said that I would be more active and that just seems like a lie in hindsight.

Since the last time I've been here:
- I have been diagnosed with clinical depression. I have been referred for therapy, but it seems at this point that my parents aren't willing to let me undergo any type of treatment, just like when I was diagnosed with BD1.

- I went through many lows. Many, many lows. I haven't slept well since Wednesday. And then its so hard getting out of bed. Yesterday was bad, today was worse, it seems like an endless spiral. Honestly my mood has been plummeting day by day.

- My physical health has been failing me as well. Nausea, migraines, body pain, vomiting, fevers, all chronic, all terrible.

- I went on vacation. It was okay, my family didn't fight, and my mood was pretty stable. However, I did get sick on the way there, and the first day was 120 degrees outside. I also accidentally made things awkward with my brother for a bit by suggesting that things would be better if I didn't exist (whoops). But for the most part it was fine.

- I renovated my room. I no loner have to sleep on a twin size bed, and I have wood floors. I also got an age appropriate dresser (my old one was 13 years old, made of plastic and had 3 small drawers. No wonder I couldn't fit my stiff in there).

- I've been taken some free online courses. They aren't really worth anything, but I get knowledge. (I haven't done anything for them, in like a week, motivation has not been my strong-suit lately.)

- And today, my best friend confessed to me that she has had feelings for me for a whole year. A really confusing and delicate situation, I told her to let me think about it.

- On the topic of friends, she was basically my last one. After I got dumped in April, everything started slowly falling apart. Friends separated, argued, I tried to keep it all together, but in the end, problems happened. Now i'm left with no one to confide with. No one but myself and the strangers of the internet I guess.

I could go on ranting about my miserable life™ but I think that's enough for now. So I guess for now, I'm back again? I don't know really.

[galled]

Welcome back, Copper!

How is depression treated? Refresh my memory, what is BD1? I know depression can be a chemical imbalance issue and there are physical causes for it, but I think one needs to soldier on regardless of how you feel because the alternative is not workable.

Your physical symptoms could all be related to your depression. You could be caught in a vicious circle.

Did changing your room around help? I always feel like a "new outlook" (for lack of a better way to explain it) after I re-arranged my room. You'd be amazed how much a new coat of paint/change of color will do too. The best part is paint is the cheapest, but one of the most noticeable things you can do.

Hey, nothing wrong with learning for the sake of learning. I try to learn more about anything that interests me. I've actually found that I've used what I've learned on my own--perhaps a bit of self-fulfilling prophecy going on there--what you learned leads to more of the same and that triggers the usefulness of what you've learned.

Yeah, relationships are tough. I don't know. I think some of the strongest relationships I have in my life started on the internet. Typing forces you to organize your thoughts and we get to bypass much of the fluff and talk about real things. For me a real friend is someone who still likes you when you're both real with each other. Well, that's the way it has been for me...

Let me ask you a question--you don't need to answer a specific thing here, but have you ever thought about what would make you feel fulfilled? Do you have a longing for something and that thing would allow you to feel like you have a good life?

People want to feel no pain and be happy, but fulfillment is a level above that, and is independent of those two (although fulfillment often leads to happiness and vice versa--you can have happiness without fulfillment, but you can't have fulfillment without being happy). Having this goal or target, and one that is attainable and meaningful seems to be the key to living a good life. People can have purposeful lives, but if it is unfulfilling, it is a huge problem.

Hope to see you around!

[CopperCrewe]

Thanks for the support galled, I really appreciate it.

I for one don't really know all the semantics of how depression is treated. I know there is therapy, several medications, and counseling. I am receiving none of that however.

My physical conditions are unrelated to my depression, I have always been a rather sickly person, with a poor immune system, I'm guaranteed to be sick most of the time. My depression might make my symptoms worse, now that I think about it...

Changing my room did help a bit. I'm glad to use a bed that isn't meant for a small child, and I redecorated. My room hadn't really changed since 2012, and now reflects how I am now. Also there isn't stuff everywhere and I'm grateful. It did get a little stressful during the process (couple of breakdowns, some fights) but it got done and I'm glad for it.

Relationships have always grown tougher for me as time goes on. It is hard for me to make a lot of friends, I'm not a great conversationalist, I'm bad at speaking (stutters), and I tend to get really nervous around people. I also tend to get very frustrated ( a lot) and most people don't like dealing with so much negativity. I tend to isolate myself from people and have constant breakdowns, which make people not want to talk to me much. Relationships are even harder. I have issues with people touching me, and unless I am very used to a person, I tremble, get nauseous, and get goosebumps when people touch me. This was a problem in my last relationship, along with my constant flaking of plans, and breakdowns. There's also the fact that people think that being with me will "fix me" that all my depressive symptoms would go away and then are severely disappointed when it isn't true. My friends have drifted from me, some aren't as I used to know them, over just 1 year, things changed, and it led to the demise of most of my friendships.

I've been looking for something to give me fulfillment. Something to make my life less empty, to make my existence feel less empty. I've tried filling this emptiness with many things, relationships, writing, work, anything to make me feel less empty. But always return to the empty feeling. I want to be satisfied with myself for once in my life, to just let myself feel happy, to stop this inferiority complex I somehow created. y life in unfulfilling, directionless, and purposeless. It seems that I just float along my life, days passing by, nothing really happening.

Thank you for this, I really appreciate it.

[Lemon Cheesecake]

Don't stress about not being so active on here, popping on once in awhile, participating in some events is all good. The business of life does happen.We're just happy when we see you.

[+] SPOILER

It sounds like you have been going through some character building situations (that's what we call handling stress). If you don't go to a clinic for help you can always find information on depression etc on line. It basically boils down to the fact that you are the only one who can change you and how you look at situations. Read Fiel-Kun's signature. I know it reminds me I need to watch how I react.

In regards to your family, I went through some turmoil living at home, turning 18 helped improve things and living away changes the environment and your parents no longer feel responsible for you so they can ease off and time away changes the dynamics of your relationship so that you can actually stop fighting (just differences of opinions).Very few people maintain the friendships from school. Most of your friends come later from work, church, activities.

Stress and anxiety can cause so many health problems. To help offset things, stay hydrated, try to eat small meals through out the day and most of all get a good night sleep when you can.Those steps are important, especially if you have been sickly. Those things you can control. (ANother major aid in health and mind is getting enough probiotics. Having enough good bacteria influences all aspects of your body.I have been watching shows on this and reading articles and I am convinced there is truth to it).

Galled had an interesting point on taking a look at what would make you feel fulfilled. It sounds like you want to make changes and that you are making some positive steps and that is a big step. It's ok to make small steps, keep striving towards making those positive changes.

There are lots of steps you can take but recognizing your "triggers" so you can manage them is a big step.

I am sure there are many on here that can relate to the depression/anxiety you are feeling. read through some past threads and you can see.
ugh, I somehow erased the rest of what I said. Oh well, we are rooting for you . Keep making positive changes they are successful steps.

[Watery Star]

Don't worry about how active you are or how often you post on here. Come here when you can and when you want to.

I think it would help if you saw a therapist. You should look into programs for uninsured or low-cost clinic in your area. I'm not sure how old you are and if you need your parents permission for help.
I've had my bouts of anxiety and depression and medication can be iffy. It can be hard to find a prescription the helps and then there are side effects that can make things worse.

We're here for you if you want to talk. It's a shame that sometimes there is no one nearby to confide in but we don't have to be complete strangers. I can PM you my email address if you prefer communicating that way.

[CopperCrewe]

Thanks everyone.

Money isn't really the problem with therapy. The clinic I go to offers it for free. My parents just don't want me to go. And are not willing to take me. My dad doesn't even believe I'm depressed, despite a doctor telling him. "She doesn't act depressed at home." But he admits that he knows very little about me. My parents constantly brush me off whenever I tell them anything is wrong, physically or mentally. My parents like to have an strong grip on my life, restricting me from doing many things (driving, going outside, staying home alone, taking certain classes, and being certain things.) This causes a lot of problems for me when I try to get help. I can assure you though, once I turn 18, I will be getting help.

And while I can say that I am trying to be "happy" and control my emotions, I know for a fact that this is more than that. After a good 4 years of trying and not getting much better, I know this is something I need professional help with. Whether that be a therapist or taking medication. I've downloaded the apps, joined the communities, tried most of the tactics, but things are just not working out.

It's also the fact that I am stuck in the same house every single day that I keep having lows more and more often. There isn't much to do in a house with people who don't really know or like you all too much. It's just me alone, contemplating for hours on end. Vacation helped because I could get away from this prison. But now I'm stuck again.

I'm just really lonely nowadays. School is pretty much the only place where I can make friends, my siblings don't really talk to me, and I'm not active anywhere online. It's really starting to get to me badly, I don't want to relapse back into what I spent so much time getting out of, but with everything it's getting hard. Especially with no one or nothing around, it's just my mind, nonstop, telling me things I know I shouldn't listen to, but do anyways. I really need to find some support before everything heads for the worst again.

[galled]

Although we tend to list mind and body as two separate things, these are parts of a whole system, so it's essential to have your body in reasonable order. As Lemon said, hydration is most important, but sleep, nutrients, daylight, and exercise are the other bits. As for disease, hygiene is make or break. If you don't have these, then moving on and up is much more difficult if not impossible.

When you say "breakdowns" what exactly do you mean?

When someone says "fighting" I picture yelling and high emotions. Would that be what you mean? (Because fighting can be a disagreement/discussion.) If it's the former, that's a communication problem. Do you fight only with certain people or everyone?

You don't need to be a great conversationalist to have friends. (And BTW, the people I know who stutter are very endearing. I suppose there are people out there who stutter who I wouldn't like, so it's probably more about the person than the stuttering.)

Ah, the negativity thing. You know what's great is you recognize it for what it is! This is fixable, not easy, but totally fixable if you really want to. First, yes, no one wants to be around someone who is negative all of the time. I'd even say, the less negative you are, the more people will like you. If you're self-sabotaging your relationships that's another thing completely, but let's assume you're not in that category.

Yep, no one can fix you. You're the only one that can fix you. People can assist, but you're the one that has to do it. (Water and horse thing.)

The stipulations about the fulfillment thing is it has to be 100% within your control, so it cannot depend on others (like a relationship). Re: self-satisfaction, I don't know how old you are/what stage of life you're at, but have you completed anything in your life so far? You must have.

What you're feeling about having no purpose is pretty common starting in your teens. You need a passion for something. What are you interested in? What were you self-learning?

The community is here for you! I think we all can relate to how you feel.

[Lemon Cheesecake]

don't despair! Since you are under 18 that makes a difference on what you can do with out parental consent., and because your parents are still responsible for you they are going to be restrictive because they are responsible for you and they want to protect you. It is easy to have you shut up in the house because you are less likely to get in trouble there or influenced by the "wrong crowd". Things will, or should, lighten up as you get older - 18 will release some restrictions and then ultimately 21 you are on your own.

Sounds like you need some goals. The motto I try to live by is:

MEASURE YOUR LIFE, NOT BY WHAT YOU'VE GOTTEN, BUT BY WHAT YOU CAN GIVE.
WORK TO LEAVE THIS WORLD A BETTER PLACE THAN YOU FOUND IT.

You don't have to give financially, but give of yourself as in how can you be helpful, say a kind word to someone, even a stranger - let someone have your seat on the bus, let someone go ahead of you in a line up, compliment someone, offer to help, visit an elderly neighbor, bake someone some cookies, visit someone in the hospital, (read a kid in the hospital a book). There are volunteer jobs every where if you don't/can't work. I find I feel much better if I help people out because it takes the focus off my problems and in the end makes me feel better, and hopefully the person(s) I am helping..

Another option is to find a job and work, as it allows you to start saving money for opportunities that may arise later ( a car, a trip, events, college, housing etc), and gives you responsibilities and a focus. Plus it gives you an opportunity to get out of the house.

To get out of the pool you have to make the motions to move yourself from it. Stop drowning, stop treading and make motions of moving. That's my pep talk.

[CopperCrewe]

I can say this right now. My body is in no way healthy, at all. I have various issues that I was born with that I can treat but will never really leave. My sleep schedule is completely wrecked, during the school year I have to wake up at 4 AM, and all the work doesn't let me go to bed until at least 10 PM and more often than not, I end up being awake longer than that. Lately, I just haven't been able to sleep, or stay asleep. Whether it is body pain, vomiting, thoughts, or general insomnia keeping me awake, I just can't sleep. My diet is pretty messed up as well. For a lot of the year, I skip breakfast, and when I eat breakfast, I vomit it back up. It has become a daily thing where I vomit. I eat a small lunch and a small dinner. But during the summer I only eat microwavable foods, that's what is bought and I'm not allowed to cook so, that's all I eat. I'm certainly not getting much daylight. Exercise is less of a priority, it depends really on how my breathing/ pain levels/ motivation is that day. If I'm having a "bad day" exercising doesn't really happen. My hygiene is pretty good, it's one of the things my depression hasn't claimed.

I use breakdowns as an umbrella term for most of my intense mental turmoil. There are various breakdowns. There are the emotional breakdowns where I can't focus, everything just feels terrible and I start sobbing, shaking, or rocking for long periods of time. There's also the type of breakdown where my mood decreases dramatically in a short amount of time to the point where I feel numb. Another type is just when everythibg stops, i get overloaded and I just stop. I don't move, I don't speak, I don't think.There are also panic attacks, which I would classify as a breakdown. There are others, but these are the common ones.

It really depends on who I am fighting with. If I fight with my siblings, it is usually spurred by something and can lead to physically violence (from both parties involved) and yelling. However, fighting with acquaintances and friends is usually yelling, or just many many misunderstandings and frustrations. In low times, I do tend to be confrontational with everyone and try to stay away from people during these times.

As a teenager, being a good conversationalist is key. Being able to hold a conversation is key. To an adult it may be less important, but as a teenager, a social life is important.

The negativity thing is where I think you're oversimplifying things. I am aware I'm negative. I am aware that people don't like being around negativity. But as it stands, it is extremely hard for me to be positive. My brain is constantly putting me down, my family enforces those thoughts. It is hard to be positive when your thoughts are plagued with "die". It is hard to be positive when your brain tells you that you are inferior and terrible every day. It is hard to be positive when you look down at your answer and your brain tells you to peels your skin off because you deserve it. Positivity is hard when your subconscious is incredibly against,and your family insults you constantly.

I can say, I have attempted to sabotage my relationships with people. Romantic or otherwise. Usually before I do something which I know will upset people, or whenever I feel so low that I think people deserve better than being subjected to me. Or whenever I think that I cause so many problems for everyone and try to cut people off from me so they don't have to suffer. I usually just call these isolation tactics.

And while no one can fix me, it sure would be nice to have someone or something to aid in this. As of now, I have no type of resources to fix myself, no matter how hard I try.

While I have completed things in my life, I haven't really done anything important ever. My life is really boring.

What am I interested in? Good question. I used to be interested in a lot of things, but all my interests feel forced, and I don't enjoy them. I used to like writing, but now it is just a chore. I used to like dancing, but I was prohibited to continue, and when I finally could do it again, my body was so much weaker, I strated to hate it. I used to like singing, but I haven't done it ever since I've been banned from singing in the house, and besides, my voice sucks. I used to read a lot of books, but it's so hard for me to focus, and it's hard for me to finish books because I forget what happens in them pretty quickly. I don't do anything with my days but try to fi them with videos, sleep, or scrolling. I wanted to do so many things, but now everything just seems so meaningless.

I can say for a fact that my parents are restrictive to the point where it's suffocating. They don't want to be protective of me, oh no, they want to control me and what I do. My father has said "You'll be what I want you to be." "You're a minor, you have no choices". For the longest time, I didn't have a doorknob, because me parents wanted to see what I was doing, even when the door was closed. Anther quote "Children don't need privacy." It's to the point where I can't even get a hair cut, because my parents won't accept it. I'm not super young either, I am in the later half of my teens, and yet I'm Ben treated like I'm a small child. It is getting ridiculous. I worry things won't lighten up when I turn 18, my brother is subjected to similar ideals (less than this because he is male, according to my mother) and he is in his 20s.

I'm not allowed to volunteer, or work. At all. However, I do try to be generally courteous to people, as most people should. I do micro volunteering (all things I can do on my laptop), but that's pretty much it. I generally try to help other people before myself, that's just how I've always been. You may doubt this by my self-centric posts recently, but in my life I don't like to inconvenience people, or leave them helpless in a case where I can help.

Thanks for it all anyways guys, I appreciate it.

[Watery Star]

Have you been diagnosed with anything? Do you take medications? I ask because I'm not sure whether you're receiving any treatment. I have fibromyalgia and with the pain is exhaustion and sleep issues. I do understand that what I have can be symptoms of other illnesses, so it might not be the same thing as you. Likely not since you've had it since birth :<
I feel so bad for you. Your parents do sound like they are being too restrictive. I wonder if your health issues have anything to do with them being over-bearing.
I'm really worried about you now. You are right in that this isn't something you can do alone. You need professional help. Do you have any relatives that you can call? Someone that can speak to your parents for you? Maybe you could try calling a hotline. I'm not sure what they can do since your a minor but they might be able to help.

Why do you have to wake up so early and why does the work make you stay up that late? Do you need help with your schoolwork? I have trouble with sleep too. I wonder if you're getting enough to eat and that is upsetting your stomach. Does your health issues affect your appetite or stomach? I'm not sure you should have breakfast if it makes you sick. It seems like if you stop eating breakfast that you should just continue to skip it because you're body as become accustomed to doing without. Do you eat at school? Can you eat when you get home from school? Are you not allowed to make suggestions on what to get at the grocery store? Can you ask for fruits or vegetables?

Exercise is important. It's part of staying healthy but I can understand if it's difficult for you to do. Can you try some gentle exercises? Upper body exercises for your arm and separate exercises for your legs. I have worksheets that my occupational therapist gave me because I have health issues and get too exhausted for regular exercises. I can either scan what I was given or look up equivalent low energy exercises for you.

Have you talked to your parents about how they limit your activities and things you enjoy? What do they think you should be doing? Not being able to do what you enjoy is demoralizing. Do they know you have a hard time focusing and remembering? Does that affect you in school?

I have no doubt that you are severely depressed and that you can't help the thoughts from the back of your mind. We can give you all the advice but you need more help than we can offer. I really hope that you don't have to wait until you're an adult to get help because that isn't soon enough. I wish I knew a way to convince your parents that you need help but I'm not sure they want to believe it.

[RinLin]

Oh, dear.
I want to write a long reply, and I will, on Monday. Stay strong!

[CopperCrewe]

I have been diagnosed with asthma, some type of gallbladder disorder that's apparently genetic, I have weak veins in various parts of my body, plus various allergies. I know for a fact that I have a "weak immune system" but I don't know the specifics of it. I do take medications for these (albuterol, loratadine, ibuprofen, etc.) But some of my problems I have yet to discuss with a doctor, but my next visit should not be long from now.

I don't really have anyone who can change my parents' mind. I can try my best and just keep on going how I am. Maybe the next doctor's visit will convince them. And a hotline? I don't really know, I haven't really had good experiences with hotlines.

My sophomore year had been especially stressful. School starts at 7:30 (but I'm there by 7:23). I take 1 hour to find clothing and iron, charge and update my school laptop, and other small things. Then I take another hour to shower and fix my hair (which is the bigger challenge). Then the next hour is taking various medications (treatments can take a while), packing up my bags, finding my ID (always seem to misplace this) and pack extra clothing/ other items (Because of my first period P.E class). I stayed up so late due to all the work. I took two honors classes, a college level class, a foreign language and Geometry. My classes are filled with countless projects, essays, worksheets, presentations, analyzing documents, and so many questions. The work isn't really hard, it's just that there was so much of it. Especially near the end of the year, there wasn't a day where I could take a break. And after all my work was said and done, I just couldn't fall asleep. Which would affect me in class, during the year I'd black out in the middle of class, usually by eleven. I honestly looked like a panda with the black circles I had under my eyes. And that's not even the only problems I have sleepwise. I also have a habit of sleepwalking, which often leads me to wake up in the hallway, or to hurt myself while acting out and action.

I can say for a fact, being sickly does affect my appetite. Usually I don't feel well enough for breakfast, so I skip it. This has led to some problems ( I have P.E in the morning, so I'm usually extremely low on energy. I have almost passed out on multiple occasions after runnning. However, eating breakfast will definitely lead to vomiting. Most of the time, I would eat a small amount of lunch at school, usually just a serving of fries, but I'll admit to skipping lunch some days. I do usually eat when I get home, usually a bowl of cereal. Then I eat a normal portion of dinner. Lately, I have been eating more food, I have a light breakfast, a normal lunch, and sometimes dinner. And I usually don't get to go grocery shopping, it's either done while I'm at school, early in the morning, or late in the evening. But I don't really get to suggest anything. And I do have some fruits and vegetables in my diet. It's just during the summer, my diet is full of junk because that's easier to buy in bulk. We have fruit, but it gets eaten so quickly, it's gone usually by the end of the day.

I know I should exercise. I have everything prepared for exercising. I have a whole book of yoga exercoses, I have various routines that I have personalized, and I own weights. It's just hard to convince myself to do it. At the beginning of June, I did exercises every day for a good week and a half, but then one day I didn't feel ikea getting up and pushed it off. I haven't really done much since then, and it is really my own laziness that prevents me.

My parents know. I have talked about it to them many, many times. I honestly don't know what they want me to do. They also know I've been having a hard time focusing and remembering. It's become somewhat of a joke in my house. One time, I woke up on the floor, unsure of how I got there, or how long I've been there. The response was laughter and "again?". My focusing and memory issues have affected me quite a bit.
Ex 1: I left my $500 laptop at school, unsure of where it was. Turns out, I left it in a classroom, during lunch. At later points in time, I left this laptop in various other places, always thinking I slipped it in my bag
Ex 2: I had left my glasses in so many places around campus, various people bringing them to me, and having to go on voyages to find them. I had misplaced my glasses around campus a total of 15 times.
Ex 3: I would forget that I had assignments. Or I'd remember doing assignments that I never did. Or I'd forget to submit an assignment. A recent thing was that I forgot to pick up acredidation documents, and I am still unsure of the consequences of that.
Ex 4: My focusing issues would cause me to space out a lot, and miss a lot of information. Or something would catch my attention and distract me greatly fromantic whatever task I'm doing. One time I was listening to the beginning of a lecture, and the next moment I remember was the lecute being completed, while I was still staring straight at the bored.

As for the most part, I think I should be okay, I've lasted thus far without too much injury. I haven't tried to off myself for years, and I am 3 months clean from self harm as of now. I've latest for over 4 years with this, now I only have to wait for half of that. My support system has been weak, when I was 12 and suicidal, no friends batted an eye. When I was 13 and crying, I was mocked, for my interests, for my weakness. When I was 14 and having breakdowns in class, no one helped, I had hit "rock bottom" they said. When I was 15 and had my arms covered in bandages due to the scratches, no one took me seriously, it was all a joke to them. Laughing as I tried to pass the scars off, telling me "I can't be serious.", and always changing the topic. Now isn't any different. I'm left with nothing but myself. But I guess I can handle it, I've always handled it myself before. I'm the one who talked myself out of drowning myself. I'm the one who cheered myself up, telling myself not to cry. I'm the one who pacified myself during breakdowns, who came up with special methods to pull myself together. And I'm the one who finally told my brain that enough was enough and that I didn't deserve the pain I was causing myself, I was the one to heal my wounds. And while I am still very depressed, I can probably manage for a couple years, especially since I have a way to get at least a little support from you guys.

[Watery Star]

Hang in there. I know we're not physically there with you but you don't have to be alone. Whenever you feel lonely and want to talk come here.

Do you watch any tv? You can exercise during commercials or even during a show. What I do is I try to exercise before I eat something cause I heard it's a really good time to do yoga. You can also try to exercise each day a set time. If you don't feel like it try for just a couple minutes and then see if you can continue. P.E. is great for exercising so it's good even though it may be scheduled infrequently and at a time that it's the best for you.

[CopperCrewe]

I don't really watch TV, but that seems like a decent idea. And I did actually have a set time, in fact I had a daily routine set up for myself, but it only lasted a week and a half before something screwed it up. I know I should try, I really should, but it'd hard to tell myself I should. And while P.E is good for keeping am actual constant routine, it can be just as terrible, especially depending on the teacher, since they feel like if they can do whatever, I can do the same (which isn't the case at all). I'm 100 percent glad that I finished my 20 credits, and won't have to deal with it ever again.

[Watery Star]

You did it before you can do it again