Dodecahedron - Hangout

[noisechannelrocker]

Hey everyone! I'm back. c: I decided against inpatient treatment for now and talked to my therapist for almost an hour on the phone yesterday discussing what options I can use.

galled
Thank you so much! I'm back now.

lemon cheesecake
Thank you so much! I'm feeling a little better. Something happened Saturday though and I almost gave into the urge to really hurt myself but I used my crisis prevention plan and texted my friend Moon. I'm still feeling the after-effects.

yuracye
My cat Lucky loves to comfort me when I'm having a bad time or just loves to cuddle me. Every time I'm sitting or laying down she will lay next to me or on my chest. The other day when I was crying and said "I'm all alone" she meowed and ran over to me and started rubbing her head all over my legs.

[Lemon Cheesecake]

NCR: in many ways you are ahead of others that suffer as you do because you realize you have "lifelines" to use and you act on them.

[+] SPOILER

Is the feeling of loneliness because you feel you have no direction? No hope? Or/and that you feel no one loves you unconditionally? I get depressed when I focus on what I don't have, on what I haven't managed to accomplish, on being a disappointment to those I care about and thinking I am just stuck in a rut I will never get out of. Then I look outward at what I DO have compared to others, what I HAVE accomplished, compared to others and I look at the emotional and physical burdens OTHERS have had to bear and I start making steps to be thankful for that. The other hope I hold onto is the belief that "God isn't finished with me and that he can work all things for good". I don't know where you are on a spiritual walk and most people are uncomfortable talking about it but my faith is the ONE thing that gets me redirecting my thoughts and the one hope, the one bright light in the darkness that sometimes seems overwhelming. But I have been fortunate to have had the experience of God using me to touch others lives in a way that, isn't so much a miracle but unexplainable otherwise. The power of prayer can be so utterly amazing it is incomprehensible sometimes. And I do believe some people can "see" in to the spiritual realm of angels and demons. That is why it is important to "arm oneself with the armor God" for protection.

[galled]

Welcome back!

Gee, sorry to hear about your latest trials. If you don't mind of course, can you explain why you think about hurting yourself? What do you think or feel it would accomplish--what result would you expect and is that what you want?

Just trying to understand. I've known a couple of others who expressed the desire to hurt themselves, but they weren't willing to talk about it (didn't want to or were not able to express themselves I suppose). Because you're so friendly and well spoken I thought you might be able to help me understand.

As for loneliness, we may not be physically near you, but you've got friends in cyberspace. You are not alone!

[noisechannelrocker]

lemon cheesecake
In those critical moments my fight or flight kicks in, so I grip onto whatever I can to keep myself conscious, aware, and alive.

[+] SPOILER

I'm not really comfortable talking about religion and don't really want to get into why. I'm an atheist, but I'm happy for those, like you, that find comfort and (salvation I think is the term) in your own faith. I have no issues with people talking to me about their faith as I don't really judge and am pretty laid back. I could listen to you talk about it all day without any issues, but I usually stay away from talking/discussing it personally as I've had experiences of people attempting to "convert" me or use my mental illnesses as a target for this or that. I hope that makes sense and that I didn't sound rude or anything! I'm not the best at wording things.

To answer your questions:

No, the loneliness I feel is just lacking human companionship. I've cut myself off from everyone I used to know as an attempt to save my life and theirs as at one point there had to be a critical decision made, ultimately I have issues talking to people IRL and generally feel uncomfortable around people, yet I crave human affection like everyone else, but feel disgusted for feeling so desperate even though it's a natural thing. I like making friends online because there is a safe "distance". I have you at arms length, but you're not physically here, which takes most of the pressure off. I hope that makes sense.

galled
My feeling of wanting to hurt myself is "I want out" and wanting to sleep. That's the best I can describe it. You know how you're in pain, but if you sleep, you feel nothing? Or if you're under anesthetic, how you're conscious one minute, then the next thing you know you're waking up in recovery? It's a feeling of wanting an escape from the emotional pain.

I appreciate your kind words. I try to be open about these things because ultimately I'm never going to get better if I keep everything bottled up inside and I know people are curious, so I want people to understand me and others like me. What I want the most is people to understand.

Thank you! I'm glad to have you all as friends.

[galled]

Thanks for your explanation, NCR! I appreciate you taking the time and your understanding!

I guess I was assuming (my apologies) that when you said wanting to hurt yourself, I was thinking self mutilation. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but you're talking about suicide then? That's different and I understand that--and it makes me sad.

If you don't mind, I read the bits from Lemon and your kind reply. I think what Lemon is getting at is the same concept behind the art therapy thing I've been talking about. If you focus on the negative, all you'll see is the negative. (It's that old "When all you work with is a hammer, everything begins to look like a nail" concept.) The trick is finding the thing/s that can steer you in the right direction. For her, it's her faith. For you, it might be art. Whatever it turns out to be, embrace it! It makes life much more interesting!

[Lemon Cheesecake]

NCR: I'm glad the Windlyn community has been a safe haven for you and a reprieve from the demands of the real world. It is amazing the benefits sleep can bring, especially if its a dreamless sleep. My dreams tend to be so active that I don't wake up very refreshed, maybe that's why I like naps.

[Watery Star]

I'm so glad that you have lifelines to turn to when you need them.

[noisechannelrocker]

galled
No problem! Thank you for asking - I hope it clarified some things.

Self mutilation and suicide are what I'm talking about as the end goal of self mutilation is always the "sleep" that I seek when I get to where I just can't handle anymore.

That's true - some people's faith is what helps them, I have art that helps me. Everyone is different, with different views and hobbies and things that keeps them wanting to stay alive from day to day.

How are you today?

lemon cheesecake
Thank you - I'm very glad I decided to start using my account here. You all are so kind to me and I really appreciate it.

I have the same issues, most of my dreams are nightmares though and I mostly wake up sick to my stomach or screaming. :c

watery star
Thank you. I am, too. Without them it's untelling where I'd be right now!

[galled]

Self mutilation and suicide seem to be different. I mean one does not need to lead to the other and one can be performed without the other--unless we have different definitions of self mutilation. The couple of people I knew would do things like cut themselves with very fine cuts, do hideous tattoos and multiple self piercings--none of which would lead to death for many years if ever.

Anyway, although the thoughts have crossed my mind more than I'd like to admit, I figure we're all dying and we're all going to die whether we help it along or not. That's when I found passions in my life. They change every few years or more accurately, I add a new passion that outshines my other passions and I go from there.

You ask me how I'm doing today and I'll say I'm excited that it's Diana's Birthday!!!

I've got so many things I'm doing and want to do, well, today I dread that I won't live long enough to do all of the things I want to do already even if I don't add any new ones (fat chance of that!). Having been on "the other side" I can tell you that it's much better on this side. What changed for me is making up my mind that I wanted things to be different, forming a plan (well, more of a system), working hard at it, but most of all the biggest difference/change was in my head and how I looked at things. For example if all you think about is how lonely you are, you'll only get lonelier. Been there, done that. And I also found it to be true at least for me, you never meet anyone if you're looking. It's when you stop looking is when I found my SO.

Hang in there!

[noisechannelrocker]

galled
I know that but we were discussing what I felt would be accomplished. They are completely two different things, but to me I don't do one without knowing I'm reaching for the other goal, which is what I dub as "sleep", what we were discussing. I think I just didn't explain very clearly. :c

Some people do self-harm because it makes them feel better, others do it because they want to reach the end goal.

I think everyone has those thoughts, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't seek help if they become too much to handle or you find yourself really wanting to act on them. If you ever need someone to talk to then by all means drop a PM or ping me here. I don't want anyone to suffer through things alone and I hate seeing people die, especially if it could have been prevented.

I'm glad you are excited for Diana's birthday! I hope she had a good one. c: Pass along a cake for me!

I've done the same. The loneliness only creeps up every once in a while. Not as often as it used to, which was all the time. So that's a start.

Thanks!

[Lemon Cheesecake]

I'm feeling more relaxed now that I have actually had a couple days off and the physical therapy is helping, my arm is still somewhat stiff and my hand still has some cramping when I go to do certain motions but my neck feels "lighter" which relieves the stress on the muscles down my arm. My Physical therapist is so intuitive. I've been trying to be diligent at doing the stretching exercises throughout the day and cold compresses after work. Someone suggested yoga and some of the movements they showed me are similar to some of the PT exercises so maybe that is worth looking into.

What colors is your Kitty?

[galled]

Thank you for the explanation, NCR. I understand now. Feelings are not logical, but so powerful.

Thank you for the offer of the friendly ear. It goes both ways--I think you may know that already, but I thought I'd say it. I actually believe that if anyone reached out to any of our regulars here not one would be turned away. Warm fuzzies!

[Yuracye]

hnnnn. I've been so busy this week. I'm exhausted.

noisechannelrocker Ah, I'm not quite sure what the options might be, but I do hope that you find something that works~ n ___n !!

YES. It's just the best. When I'm sick he'll stay in bed with me all day too. He's the best cat, really. TT___TT I don't know what I would have done these past few years without him.
AHHHH. PRECIOUS CAT. Q VQ !!

[Lemon Cheesecake]

NCR - sending good thoughts your way - wanted you to know in case you decide to pop on here - hope positive things are happening in your life each day

[Yuracye]

Bumps back up your thread.

Noise is doing okay from what I've seen so far.
I'll try and remind them to pop in next time we have a conversation. u vu //