The Fairy Garden (1)

[Kitalpha Hart]

Good God I'd love these for my fairy garden buuuut they were at my summer job so they prolly don't have them now :')
So imma raid Michael's online store for anything I like ovo

[Lemon Cheesecake]

They're at Michael's !?!?

[Kitalpha Hart]

That pic is from my summer job last year
So no
Unfortunately

[npixelz]

I'm looking for jobs, but I haven't looked into online classes. Losing my job made me lose my motivation. Plus there's a bunch of not so good things happening in my life right now.

That's a shame that they don't have them, they'd be pretty in a fairy garden.

[Kitalpha Hart]

I knooooooow
sobbu

[npixelz]

Watch this. It's hilarious.
https://youtu.be/zbHW1T7boSc

[Watery Star]

lol @ weather report.

I hope things improve for you *hug*

[Lemon Cheesecake]

Sorry things aren't going so well in your life Npix! It would be nice if you could find a job you like because it helps to put things in place so to speak...you can pay bills so thats not a stress, you have food to eat, so that's not a stress, you can feel like a productive member of society, so that's not a stress, you won't have people badgering you about getting a job, so that won't be a stress... you can save money to buy the things you want, and that's a benefit, you can feel like you have opptions, and that's a benefit...seriously...check out online training classes ( you don't have to worry about getting to classes then). I like to see people I care about succeeding! I hate to see people in a difficult situation.

[npixelz]

Well, I'm definitely not succeeding. My life is real bad right now.
Here's my story. (I've said this in Shiro's thread, too, but I figured I'd post it here as well because this is MY thread, after all).

I was diagnosed with autism at 15. I was tested twice before that to see if I had anything else other than ADHD, and both times they said I just had ADHD, nothing else. Before being diagnosed my brother had some serious anger issues. Got into fights with my parents a lot, some of them physical. When we went on bike rides, he would vent and call my parents terrible things. And me, wanting to impress the big brother I looked up to, well I agreed with him. I didn't believe it, but he was my super cool big brother. He lied, stole, and got angry all the time. He tried to run away many times but always came back later that day. Until one time, he didn't. Instead he called the house, and told my parents he was moving out. My dad packed his things and that was the last I ever saw of him, or heard from him. My mom tried to call, but the number he would hang up when he heard her voice. Later, the number stopped working. That traumatized me. Gave me PTSD. Then my aunt died, and so did my dog. The day my dog was put down, I had a club, and when I got home, I was told he would be put down. My sister had come home to see pee all over the floor. Apparently he had had a stroke. I didn't say goodbye to him, I couldn't. I regret that to this day. I know it wouldn't have changed anything, but I think it would have given me closure. Now let's go back, far back, to early childhood. A time I cannot remember. I was born to a woman whose name makes me think she was a stripper or something, and a man whose name I do not know. I was put up for adoption with my younger sister and older brother. We stayed in an adoption home for awhile, until two wonderful people came and took us home with them. They are my real parents. My biological parents are not my real parents. They may have brought me into this world, but they did not raise me. My parents did. Now fast forward a little, and I'm in school. I have anger issues. My teachers don't know what to do with me, so they let me do what I want, or let me do smaller versions of assignments. Then they bump me up to the next grade even though they shouldn't. Now fast forward again, to high school. During which I'm constantly bullied. Around the same time I entered high school, is when I lost my brother, dog, and aunt. High school is different. They don't tolerate temper tantrums. I HAVE to do the assignments I've been assigned. No compromise, no letting do what I want. Obviously, I'm unequipped. I don't do well, and I continue to have tantrums. We go to see a psychiatrist, all he does is up my medication. Every time we complain about my anger, my medication is raised. But you see, this medication is to help me focus, and it has a side effect. Well@ a couple of side effects. One being that I'm not hungry at lunch, which is fine. The other being that I get more and more angry. Finally, on Halloween day, at age 15, I have such a tantrum that I'm sent to the hospital for a few weeks to help with my anger. There I learn I have autism. My medication is brought way down and changed a little. Afterwards, I continue to get help. But it's never enough, I still have anger issues even to this day. I graduate from high school somehow and get a job. But my anger strikes again, and I lose my job. I get more help, and I have hope that I might get the job back. But the service we were working with no longer takes clients from our town. So we find a new service, and are waiting to find a job. Losing my job made me lose my motivation. I also gained a fear of failure. Add on to that my dislike of change and even the idea of a new job is upsetting me. My sister is no help. She's lazy, rude, and has her own issues. . Then my mom, who had an aneurysm somewhere in all of this mess is having problems with high blood pressure, and my dad loses his job. He gets a blood clot in his leg and too much stress can kill him. The same for my mom. Too much stress can kill either one of them. And if one dies, the stress will likely kill the other. Leaving me without two people I love, and with nowhere to go, no way to fend for myself. And then my grandmother gets attacked and my dick of an uncle thinks she shouldn't go to the police. She also has had mental health issues recently and could very well die soon. If she does the stress will probably kill my father, and my mom will get so stressed by that that she'll probably die as well. And now my sleep schedule is all whack and my parents are trying to fix it, by not letting me go back to sleep after walking the dog, so I now have a lack of sleep, which is making me grumpy. My dad's leg is fluctuating from bad to better and he's constantly asking for help and it's all just too much for me to handle. I just can't. I just can't right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I just can't. Why can't we be happy? Why do we have to suffer? I just want us to be happy and not have to worry about anything. Why do we have to go through this? Why? Why? Why? I just can't. I don't. I need help. I need. I just. I don't know what to do. I just can't handle it. It's just so hard. I don't. I can't. I just. I need. I don't know. I need help. I just can't anymore. I just can't.

[Lemon Cheesecake]

I truly am sorry you and your family have had to go through so much, and I don't have the answers but I do know what it feels like to be depressed because you feel overwhelmed and to have a negative influence by older siblings/peers that you have to break free from.

[+] SPOILER

I hope one day your brother will want to regain contact with you but if he has gone too far done the wrong road you may not want him in your life like that. Since he was older then you and did not have parental guidance from your biological parents he probably was resentful that his "freedom" was taken away. You will have to deal with the subconcious abandonment and resentment issues that are probably affecting your anger - and I don't just mean towards your biological parents, I mean towards Teachers that missed guiding you, Drs that pacified your situation by medicating you instead of actually treating you.

It has been said that the challenges in our lives are what can refine us. Sometimes illness falling on people we care about is our opportunity to step up and help them and reciprocate the care they gave to us. I don't like those I love having debilitating illnesses or physical trauma but I have seen people rise above their situations to make something powerful of their lives and because of their problems ending up helping others to be stronger, better people. I know they inspire me to be better and not to complain about my situations, to look beyond the situation and to take things in small steps.

Some people can't deal with weakness in those they looked to for strength, which is maybe the case of you with your Dad depending on you for help. I try to replace anger with gratefulness, instead of being resentful I try to look at something to be thankful for. Believe it or not, there is usually someone who has it worse then us, so I try to be grateful that the situation isn't as bad as it could be. We have the ability to do good, we have the ability to be helpful, You are the only one who can control your emotions, difficult as it can be sometimes there are "cheats" to helping you accomplish this. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, all have our weaknesses but you can resolve to improve your life by taking small steps everyday. Instead of what went wrong in your day, write down what went right or what efforts you made to make the day better or brighten someone's day.

Maybe you aren't meant to work right now because you are meant to help your parents in this difficult health time for them. Your "job" could be caretaker, house keeper, cook, grocery shopper etc. Sometimes if you see things as your "job" /responsibility it can make you feel like you are being productive and helpful.

The other thing is that you need to forgive yourself for some of the stuff in your life...like you felt you did not stand up to your brother when he dissed your parents (whether it was because you were hoping he would "like" you if you went along with him or whether you were afraid he would take his anger out on you), for not being there for your dog, (sometimes its better to remember people/animals as they were and not have the last image of them dying. Its ok not to have been there, you look back at it now with regret because you are older and you need to forgive the younger you that couldn't handle it). Try looking at a photo of your dog and saying good bye. Sometimes I look at pictures of my biological Dad and tell him I miss him. I was angry at him for a long time for dying. But I love my step Dad and I got my sister from my Dad dying and my Mom remarrying.

Life isn't meant to be "easy" (most people don't understand gratitude or appreciation until they have experienced loss or hardship) and having people who care about us is rarer then you realize and it sounds like you have parents who do. So focus on those good things, work at helping them in ways that you know you can and if you don't know how ask them to show you what you can do to help. You would be amazed at what may come up for you in regards to a paying job just by others seeing you be helpful.

See if you can go do a sleep study, they will look at what you eat, medications, habits etc. Maybe you have sleep apnea or a sleep disorder...Canada health insurance should cover it. But often you need to be proactive and request it. You can only control how you react to a situation and only you can control how you react. There will always be frustrations, there will always be disappointments and expectations that make us feel like failures but you can look for the good in every situation and you can rise to the occasion by stepping beyond your fears to be a light to others and in helping others you can ultimately feel better and succeed. Don't just do things when you "feel" like it. Do it because it is the right or better thing to do.

I have seen on here that you have a desire to be helpful and that you want to do well. I know you can! Don't give in to the downward pit! Take small steps and you will be surprised how far you can get!

[Watery Star]

That is a lot to deal with I don't know why things have to be difficult. There are many things that don't make sense and things we will never know the answer to the "why's." Trying to think of solutions can be more helpful. Thinking "What can I do?" Can help me from going into a downward spiral. It doesn't have to be anything big either. On tough days I start small, simple things. Getting out of bed is one. For your dad you can try to narrow it down by what's the easiest task you can do for him? Think day by day. If one day you feel too drained that's ok, you can try tomorrow. If he asks too much just do one thing at a time.

Do you have an outlet for your anger? Something you can do to help release the built up tension you feel?

I've been seeing a therapist for my depression and it's been helpful having someone to talk to whose unbiased. Someone who wont dispense meds and only suggests(having a Dr prescribe something) but is more focused on coming up with coping methods and unloading my baggage. It can help just thinking what I would want to say.

I hope your family's health improves and wish you and your family the best. *hug*

[npixelz]

Thank you guys for your advice. I don't have enough time before I go to bed to address every bit of advice, but know that I really appreciate it.

I have been seeing a counsellor, and that helps, but right now we're working on my fear of failure, loss of motivation, and dislike of change. It's also only every two weeks, and a lot can happen in two weeks.

[Gingerale]

Even though you don't see the sun on a cloudy day, doesn't mean its not there shining. I hope the sun breaks through to brighten your day Npixelz. I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time, look for the bright moments in the day to help you get through. There will be better days ahead.

[npixelz]

Thank you. That's quite poetic. You're not trying to steal my thunder, are you? Jk jk

I'm doing my best to enjoy each day. For example, I'm having a lot of fun preparing for a surprise Minecraft birthday party on Thursday.

[galled]

Your bday or minecraft's bday?