Shiro's Hangout |staying active!!|

[Lemon Cheesecake]

Did you get your spring break yet?

[ShiroGEM]

Nooooooooo;;; it's still 2 weeks away
i want to draw cute items for y'all and sleep in

[Lemon Cheesecake]

Sounds like your Spring is closer to Easter break. Most of the schools around here are staggered the last couple weeks of March...I hope the time goes by quickly so you can get time to relax and sleep in!<and draw items>

[npixelz]

I'd love to see some cute items, but we'll have to wait. It's only two weeks away! You can last until then! I believe in you!

[ShiroGEM]

well it practically is easter break but
a lot of ppl in hk don't celebrate easter so we call it spring break lol
i'll be back soon!!!

[npixelz]

What's HK?
Looking forward to it!

[ShiroGEM]

npixelz
omg pixelz!! long time no see! are things better since we last talked?
hk = hong kong ^^

[npixelz]

Ah, ok.

No, they're not. They're really not. They're far worse. What about you? How are you?

[galled]

Sorry to hear that, pix. Anything you'd like to talk about? Can we help or provide some support?

[npixelz]

I was diagnosed with autism at 15. I was tested twice before that to see if I had anything else other than ADHD, and both times they said I just had ADHD, nothing else. Before being diagnosed my brother had some serious anger issues. Got into fights with my parents a lot, some of them physical. When we went on bike rides, he would vent and call my parents terrible things. And me, wanting to impress the big brother I looked up to, well I agreed with him. I didn't believe it, but he was my super cool big brother. He lied, stole, and got angry all the time. He tried to run away many times but always came back later that day. Until one time, he didn't. Instead he called the house, and told my parents he was moving out. My dad packed his things and that was the last I ever saw of him, or heard from him. My mom tried to call, but the number he would hang up when he heard her voice. Later, the number stopped working. That traumatized me. Gave me PTSD. Then my aunt died, and so did my dog. The day my dog was put down, I had a club, and when I got home, I was told he would be put down. My sister had come home to see pee all over the floor. Apparently he had had a stroke. I didn't say goodbye to him, I couldn't. I regret that to this day. I know it wouldn't have changed anything, but I think it would have given me closure. Now let's go back, far back, to early childhood. A time I cannot remember. I was born to a woman whose name makes me think she was a stripper or something, and a man whose name I do not know. I was put up for adoption with my younger sister and older brother. We stayed in an adoption home for awhile, until two wonderful people came and took us home with them. They are my real parents. My biological parents are not my real parents. They may have brought me into this world, but they did not raise me. My parents did. Now fast forward a little, and I'm in school. I have anger issues. My teachers don't know what to do with me, so they let me do what I want, or let me do smaller versions of assignments. Then they bump me up to the next grade even though they shouldn't. Now fast forward again, to high school. During which I'm constantly bullied. Around the same time I entered high school, is when I lost my brother, dog, and aunt. High school is different. They don't tolerate temper tantrums. I HAVE to do the assignments I've been assigned. No compromise, no letting do what I want. Obviously, I'm unequipped. I don't do well, and I continue to have tantrums. We go to see a psychiatrist, all he does is up my medication. Every time we complain about my anger, my medication is raised. But you see, this medication is to help me focus, and it has a side effect. Well@ a couple of side effects. One being that I'm not hungry at lunch, which is fine. The other being that I get more and more angry. Finally, on Halloween day, at age 15, I have such a tantrum that I'm sent to the hospital for a few weeks to help with my anger. There I learn I have autism. My medication is brought way down and changed a little. Afterwards, I continue to get help. But it's never enough, I still have anger issues even to this day. I graduate from high school somehow and get a job. But my anger strikes again, and I lose my job. I get more help, and I have hope that I might get the job back. But the service we were working with no longer takes clients from our town. So we find a new service, and are waiting to find a job. Losing my job made me lose my motivation. I also gained a fear of failure. Add on to that my dislike of change and even the idea of a new job is upsetting me. My sister is no help. She's lazy, rude, and has her own issues. . Then my mom, who had an aneurysm somewhere in all of this mess is having problems with high blood pressure, and my dad loses his job. He gets a blood clot in his leg and too much stress can kill him. The same for my mom. Too much stress can kill either one of them. And if one dies, the stress will likely kill the other. Leaving me without two people I love, and with nowhere to go, no way to fend for myself. And then my grandmother gets attacked and my dick of an uncle thinks she shouldn't go to the police. She also has had mental health issues recently and could very well die soon. If she does the stress will probably kill my father, and my mom will get so stressed by that that she'll probably die as well. And now my sleep schedule is all whack and my parents are trying to fix it, by not letting me go back to sleep after walking the dog, so I now have a lack of sleep, which is making me grumpy. My dad's leg is fluctuating from bad to better and he's constantly asking for help and it's all just too much for me to handle. I just can't. I just can't right now. I don't know what to do anymore. I just can't. Why can't we be happy? Why do we have to suffer? I just want us to be happy and not have to worry about anything. Why do we have to go through this? Why? Why? Why? I just can't. I don't. I need help. I need. I just. I don't know what to do. I just can't handle it. It's just so hard. I don't. I can't. I just. I need. I don't know. I need help. I just can't anymore. I just can't.

[galled]

Things have been building up for a long time npixelz

It's good that you keep focused on the positive stuff!

[+] SPOILER

You were certainly dealt a bad hand in many ways, but you've also been fortunate as you've outlined. It's good that you can identify the negative stuff and people in your life and the good stuff. Some people can't even get that far, and you've identified where the problems are so you're well ahead of the game!

All parents traumatize their kids in various degrees, but I suppose you could view it as being traumatized is just all part of growing up. It is unfortunate it happens at all, and even more that it's worse on some. I suppose part of achieving maturity includes accepting these traumas and understanding them enough to identify how they help (yes help in some cases because they actually make you a stronger person in some ways) or limit your functionality.

I'm so sorry for your losses. The older you get, the more people you'll lose. Such is life (Lion King circle of life). It's scary to think that one day you may be without parents, but that too is more likely than not. It's the natural order of things as it has always been and with few exceptions, how it will continue until the end of everything (which I don't think will ever happen, but that's another discussion!).

It's also good that you understand that anger is a big problem that's blocking progress. Anger is a manifestation of loss of control. (Lack of control creates more anger and more anger equals more loss of control--proverbial downward spiral.) Once you get control over excessive angry outbursts, you'll be able to make progress and the loss of control thing will be reduced (and your anger with it).

I once had an anger problem (teen hormones is the thought--but my home life was ridiculous), but was able to channel those feelings for productive means after a while. I'm still harbor anger for a lot of things still to this day (and my patience for stupidity and lack of common courtesy or civility remains ultra low), but there are no outbursts or bad behavior due to it. What turned things around for me was I realized that I could take my anger and channel it to make my situation better. I used my anger to keep me motivated when I was exhausted, wanted to quit or just give up because it was too hard. I realized that the only way out of various situations I didn't like or were unsustainable depended solely on me getting stuff done. No one was going to do it for me (which also made me angry believe it or not) and I couldn't depend on help (which also made me angry too!). (Always grateful to get help of course! But I made my plans on how to succeed without help if I could.) Once you gain some control over your life, a lot of the anger and despair will go away. And more control will lead to even more control!

As for the other things (people) that made me angry, the other thing that helped me was understanding that the best revenge is living a good life. This goes hand in hand with the above. One achieves the other! Win-win!

Another thing that I found very helpful is reducing or if you can eliminating contact with all negative people in your life. I have family (and I use the term lightly) that I have no contact with by my choice. The same goes for acquaintances that fall in that category. Life is too short to spend my valuable (to me!) time with people who make me angry, bad or sad because they're terrible people.

Pix, you know right from wrong and you have a good heart. And you seem to know what needs to be done in the broader strokes. Of course if your ADHD requires meds, that needs to be squared away, but meds alone won't get you all the way there. Believe it or not, having gone through it, I feel because anger is such a powerful emotion, it's actually a ultra powerful motivator. Learn to use it and have it work for you!

I hope you're not so depressed so you grasp what I'm saying here and can benefit from my experiences. Chin up, pix! There's still hope!

[ShiroGEM]

npixelz

I'm sorry to hear all that has happened to you ;n; i can't speak for many of those experiences as I don't have ADHD, PTSD or autism myself and i don't know how severely they affect your daily life. it pains me to hear that you've been bullied and treated unfairly at such a young age. some of my friends are on the autism spectrum and have ADHD or PTSD but i firmly believe no one should be seen as any different to a normal person!
that being said, please never feel like you have to put up a positive front all the time, it is ok to cry, let it out and confide in others~ especially in difficult times like these

i definitely agree with galled that mental positivity can really affect how you see life holistically. please take some time of for yourself and your family, if you ever feel overwhelmed, perhaps a short walk or cup of tea would help, take a step back and try meditating if possible? i think having awareness of your anger issues is already a good thing. sometimes, there are things that are difficult to change, but perhaps can be avoided if you placed yourself in a less stressed mindset~

tw: mention of death

[+] SPOILER

i'm not sure if this will calm you down in any way over the fear of losing people you hold so dear, but maybe my story will help you gain a little insight or you'll learn something if anything?
so around two decades, my grandfather had a combination of chronic illnesses. he had diabetes and high blood pressure at first, but then had two strokes in the span of a year and suddenly lost the ability walk. at the time i was about a few months old at the time of his first stroke, so i have no memories of him at his healthiest stages. over the course of my life, he had multiple surgeries on several of his vital organs for various reasons, one of them being a tumour that had to be removed.

well anyway, i guess the hardest ordeal was having to watch my grandfather deteriorate as his health got worse. he was on so many meds with so many side effects and had to be hospitalised for months at a time. eventually, he spent the last year of his life in a hospital bed and then passed away with (almost) his entire family beside him. it was not long after i turned 16 when i had to watch it happen and in many ways, i'm still not over the entire thing i guess~ admittedly, i was not close to him as i wished i was and i think that made me regret a lot of things i did when i was younger. such as complaining about having to go back to visit him, i was super annoyed at the fact i had to spend 8 hrs a day in the hospital with him and my mom. i wished i could've spoken hokkien so i could understand his words and ask him about the past, but sadly i don't have that chance anymore and that really hit after his passing.

i guess moral of the story is that, make the most of the time you have with your family now. i only have my grandmother left and she's very weak as well. people age, you're going to have to watch them slowly get weaker and less abled than their younger selves. there will probably be a lasting emotional hole, but don't let that affect you from moving forward. i'm sure that my grandfather wouldn't want me to be wallowing in regret and not taking care of myself in the afterlife.

i apologise if any of this sounds useless to your current situation T_T but i'm here to lend an ear as always~

[npixelz]

Thank you guys both, I will try out that advice.

I'm sorry to hear about that. I guess the good thing is that I can still visit my grandma, and I get to see my parents everyday.

I'm glad you guys are so supportive. And if you ever need it, I'll lend an ear as well.

[ShiroGEM]

npixelz
yea! treasure the moments you have with them and make the most out of them ^^ no worries~ i'm glad you're seeking help and stepping back to assess your situation and i hope things turn out well for you, no matter how long the difficulties last

[npixelz]

I'll definitely treasure every moment, but it's so hard, knowing that one day, those moments will stop.

Thank you, I hope things turn out well for you as well.