pen and paper by yoru ★

[yorunaka]

I don't think I ever really tried to hard in a relationship. Maybe that's my problem. I don't give enough. I don't know how to give more than what I normally give though nor am I initerested in giving more.

After all, people will betray you if they find something else worth their time.

I've had a male friend who I had a falling out with. Couldn't stand being with him (due to past events) and asked him to stay away. He didn't and kept sending me text messages - even asked for the help from a superior in our workplace and I had to drill to both of their heads that I'm not interested. Will never be. And yes I am straight. Or at least I'm not lesbian. He kept bothering me up until he was removed from the same location as me and was sent back to the Philippines.

Then when he got there, his declarations of his attraction (or love in his words) turned to hate. He chose to date the closest friend I had in the same company.

That same friend was the main person who knew what was going on between us. And up until the point where they dated, she always sided with me. I mean, I honestly ask for her opinion. I don't look for yes-men. So I trusted her.

Then they do that.

Should I believe in people then? I don't think so. I think it's easier to just assume they'd turn their back on you. And it's not like they can't help it. It's human nature.

People only cling to things just as long as they are useful/provide entertainment and the like. When things change, they have no reason to stand by your side. Everything that people do all come back to themselves. I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing. It's just how things are.

So thinking that others should be the reason for living is probably one of the most laughable things for me at the moment. I mean, I'm not saying you're wrong for living the way you do. That's why I emphasized on different personalities and life experiences. It's just not the path for me at the moment.

EDIT: Also sorry, all the pent up stress just came out like that. I'm not here to make an enemy or anything of that sort but I can't talk about that incident without sounding vicious. And it's one of the main things that keeps me from wanting any relationship outside of my family at the moment. Not that I've been good wih relationships even before but that probably added more to my distrust in relationships.

[Lemon Cheesecake]

wow, you have been having an interesting conversation - nice to see something discussed that isn't less casual with a little more meat to it. You probably wouldn't agree with my philosophy because they are faith based, but even if you did take God out of the situation I feel the principals are still sound ones to follow, beneficial to ourselves and others. Such as:

[+] SPOILER

True contentment comes in being able to be satisfied in/with whatever situation you are in. And when you are content then you are happy.

It's the challenges in life that can refine us and help us to grow stronger and help us to appreciate the interaction/connection of others in our lives, those who help us in the "darker" more despairing moments (such as loss). Not everyone learns the same way but you can learn from others mistakes and save yourself from some of the strife and hardships.

Strive to do our best and make and leave this world a better place then how we found it. That doesn't necessarily mean doing remarkable things but making a difference in our day to day lives. Maybe the person we help to succeed will have a big impact on benefiting society/the world and THEY may become someone "greater", or maybe standing up for change may encourage others to do the same. ( I can share some inspiring stories regarding people in my community who have taken loss and helped others by it).

People are going to disappoint us regardless of how much they love us, and we are going to be a disappointment at times too because emotions get involved, that's where good communication comes in. I have not met any one who sees eye to eye perfectly all the time but I have met people who are respectful of one another and work out their problems...

That said, there are people who are not trustworthy at all, people who envy what we have whether it be relationships or material items, our job position or status and will do whatever they can to undermine or rob to get it. Base creatures who only want to gratify self not caring who they hurt. And that's where having the desire to help others keeps us from going down that road completely ( because face it we all get a little jealous or envious at times).

[galled]

I don't mean to lessen your experience, but everyone has been betrayed (or at least slighted) at one point or another by someone. There are crappy people out there and some that are for lack of a better description, are pure evil. In fact, there are more than I'm comfortable saying. However, to say that everyone will ultimately betray you in the end is not true--at least in my experience. Perhaps I haven't lived long enough for it to happen yet, but I can say that anyone still in my life has not. Any that have, are not in my circle. I'll have to think about it, but it might be that I don't give people the opportunity to betray me or do anything bad to me (I'm fairly independent and cautious about pretty much everything).

I stewed over things (too many things) in the past (I was quite angry, but if I'm honest with myself it was hurt that produced that anger), but I came to the conclusion that I could either stew on things and be miserable or I could just move on with my life and find happiness where and when I could. Having done both, I can clearly say that the latter is much better!

How are you with your family? They are people too. You seem to separate the two. People can be family without being genetically related. I have "extended" family like that in my life--people I consider family who are not related to me. There's nothing wrong with your family being the center of your social life.

That said, there is the possibility that you're a nasty, vile person (or sociopath) that will never get along with anyone, but I really don't think that's the case. You seem like you've been hurt and perhaps time will lessen the pain or push it back a little and allow you focus on the positive things life has to offer. Like Windlyn! LOL

In any case, I'm glad you're not in a bad spot and I hope that you're able to find joy in your life no matter what you do. Your Windlyn friends are here and we're a safe and friendly bunch!

[yorunaka]

I'm gonna try to make this reply to both of you as condensed as possible.

First of all, I don't think there's ever really any real contentment. From how I see things, contentment is when you're rid of any want. Unfortunately, it goes by our human nature to keep wanting more. and it's impossible not to. Not gonna say it's a bad thing though because it's what helped us advance this far in terms of technology but it difficult when you can't just turn it off.

As for people being untrustworthy and for betrayal to be a common thing, I understand that. However, these were people who I personally thought were one of the better people around. The guy was my friend for around 7 years. The girl for much shorter (a year) but she was someone who I didn't quite like at first but learned to really like and sorta depend on once I got to know her better. And I'm not someone who can easily get close like that with anyone so from my point of view, she was sort of special.

So it makes the entire thing much more difficult for me. It's not just the betrayal. It's also my inability to sort people properly. I mean I'm not really open to people. I was much more open to them. Yet in the end, it seems like I was stupid in choosing to trust in them.

And it's not like I'm being miserable about it. On the contrary, I can talk with the girl still. I just don't enjoy it. It's more like if I have to talk about what had happened in the past, the emotions are still kind of fresh. I have never been good with emotions so I don't think I ever dealt with the problem properly so maybe that's why.

There were other things that pissed me off too with their betrayal. It's not the betrayal per se but how they did it. Like the guy kept on pushing that he loved me and yet he did things like corner me into a conversation, blame our circumstance on his ability to work, and still be competitive and possessive when his work was passed on me. The girl on the other hand, asked for my permission if it was okay for them to go out. To me, that was worse than her just opting to go out with him. Why ask for permission? Because she wants my approval? I mean clearly, I wouldn't really approve right? After all, she knew how much my distaste grew for him.

I guess at that point, though I didn't understand it myself, I was just in awe at how much I screwed up in terms of choosing the people who I held dear to me at some point.

Again, I was never good with people. I'm practically mute when I first meet new people in an unfamiliar environment. It takes a long time for me to respond to them properly and even then, I am still selective of the few who I will learn to really trust. They were both part of the few.

I mean their betrayal wasn't exactly a big thing. They just went out basically. It's not even a big thing if you think about it. And it's not like I particularly care about them going out if you isolate that fact from everything else.

I don't even know what I'm talking about now.

Anyway, I got sidetracked.

I think one of the reasons why I don't care too much about helping another person is because I think that at the end of the day, everything is all pointless. I mean, we're all just specs of dust. No one is truly important. We human beings like to think we are. I mean that's most probably one of the main reasons why people long ago thought it was blasphemous when Galileo said that the earth was not the center of the solar system. And while we have gained more collective scientific understanding, I think our nature as human beings are still the same. We all want to feel important in some way. Because if we aren't then what's the point of living, right?

Anyway, I've gone off tangent everywhere so let me just add this other thing.
The reason why I can't consider other people as family is because to me, family are the people who I'm stuck with even if I don't necessarily like them nor enjoy being with them. Frankly, I don't quite like my dad nor mom. I like my siblings. I like my youngest nephew. I have a like/hate relationship with the other nephew. So there are people who I don't necessarily like spending with. But even if that's the case, we stick together.

I don't think it's feasible to have this kind of relationship with other people because if I don't like someone, I won't force myself to stay with them. Maybe others feel differently but that's how I personally feel. Hence, calling other people family is not possible for me.

Again, I know I said a lot of negative things here. I'm just being completely honest at the moment. In a way, this is also a way for me to clear my disorganized thoughts.

And it's not like I'm telling you guys to stop talking to me or anything and that I don't appreciate your efforts to talk to me. I appreciate it. Just that I guess I'm not exactly expecting there to be any sort of deep relationship forming from talking about relatively serious topic. I truly appreciate your effort to engage in conversation. And I get the feeling that you want me to be in a better place. While I appreciate it, I won't necessarily get out of where I am unless I opt to do so. And I think right now, where I am is alright for me. Frankly, I like being pessimistic because it mitigates expectation. In a way, coming back to the first paragraph, it's the closest way for me to feel something close to contentment.

[Lemon Cheesecake]

Yoru, well, I can't say I have learned true contentment, I think we always want/strive for something else, something more... some have learned to be more content/satisfied then others - it is constantly a work in progress.

Relationships are difficult, there is no doubt about that, and some sometimes aren't worth the investment. A relationship where trust is lost is that, a loss and sometimes we have to mourn for it knowing it will never be back. The fact that you have some family you are close to is more then some have and by the sounds of it you have a pretty good understanding of reality and can put things into perspective.

I don't mean to be coming across as telling you what to do, just trying to carry on a philosophical discussion. Sharing ideas and what works, helps me to understand people more. I like to try and figure out why people do/think as they do. It helps me to take a closer look at myself too.

[yorunaka]

Mmmm it's probably them trying to show they're content. I think that the dissatisfaction will always be there - like a nagging sensation to all of us. Even if we want it gone, it will be there most probably because it's what keeps human beings adapt and alive. I mean, if we didn't improve, we'd still be like our ancestors who died at a young age because of diseases that could easily be cured now.

And yeah. I guess so. I'm not the type to keep people from broken relationships too. I have this personal philosophy of "I'd rather be alone than be stuck with people I don't want to be with." It makes me more of a loner than other people I guess. Now though, I don't really have friends I stay in touch with. I guess I sort of lost interest and now I just think it's more or less tedious to keep relationships in general. I understand that I'm sorta cornering myself like this and I do admittedly feel a bit lonely at times. I don't feel like doing otherwise though.

And yeah. I'm sorry to be defensive. I guess as someone who thinks pessimistically, I just don't want to be changed. Cause I'm glad that thinking positive works for you guys but it usually backfires for me. I mean, I still have some kind of positive thinking in me but for the most part, I like keeping to these pessimistic/realistic thoughts. They may sound defeatist and all that but to me, they're comforting in a way.

[Lemon Cheesecake]

I think you sound more positive then you realize. We all should have some degree of caution and sometimes caution is mistaken for pessimism.

[+] SPOILER

Personally, if I don't strive to bring a positive attitude to my day then I can slip too easily into that downward spiral of disillusionment and discontent and loss of value. Believing our life has no meaning, no value allows the enemy to win.

On another note, I have a little bit of feistiness to me I think, sometimes a little loud and I can be a jokester - although what I think is funny can be misinterpreted sometimes. People I know can be embarrassed by me because I like to wave my hands around when I talk and I can have a very expressive face too! And then I can go to the extreme where I am in an unfamiliar environment and I am quite quiet and nervous....

Some people just seem to ooze confidence, regardless of what environment they are in. I often wonder how they do that.

[yorunaka]

Sorry I haven't felt well for the most part as of late. Kinda shut down for a bit.

Anyway, thinking that life has no value isn't necessarily a bad thing for me. I mean, rather than making me feel helpless, I just feel relieved and it helps me believe that I can steer my life in any path and I don't need to follow a specific path.

As you may have noted by now, one of the main things I hold dear is being able to do what I want without being held back. I guess it stems from being controlled strictly from childhood.

Lol well my face is expressive too.I think you and I are the same in a way in terms of those extremes. I don't think I'm that good with jokes though. But I can be pretty witty at times. It's not something I can just turn on though. Haha

And it's probably because they feel energized by being the center of attention.

[Lemon Cheesecake]

You probably needed rest - especially since going through your recent emotional ordeal

[yorunaka]

I'm fairly well now. I just needed to tune stuff out for a moment, I guess.

[Lemon Cheesecake]

we all need to tune out sometimes - I know my brain is so tired I don't want to have to think about anything important right now.

[yorunaka]

When I'm really tired, I usually just binge read and ignore everything else (when I'm not at work at least)

[Lemon Cheesecake]

when I'm tired I can't even read my brain is so frazzled

[yorunaka]

Reading for me is one of the things that really helps in destressing

[Lemon Cheesecake]

sometimes I am so tired my eyes can't focus on the words