The Fairy Garden (1)

[npixelz]

I can't do it anymore. I can't. I can't go on like this. Everyday. Everyday. Every. Single. Day. It's a nightmare. It's a mess. It's a loss. It's a nightmare that I'm never waking up from. Someone deliver me from this hell. Bring me out of this darkness, please. I can't take this. Day after day, week after week, month after month. It's too much. Why must this happen? What purpose does this serve? Why was I born? To have this happen? First my brother. Then me. And now, my sister. Why were we born? All we do is cause suffering. Why are we alive? To cause others pain? To break them down? To destroy them? Why? Why? Why? Why must I continue on like this? Why must we exist? I can't do this. Not anymore. It's too much. It's all too much. My head is pounding. My arms are shaking. My breath is coming out in gasps. I can't think for all this pain. It feels like my brain is exploding out of my skull. Help me. Help me. Set me free. Lift this burden from my shoulders. Hold me. Comfort me. Tell me that everything is alright. But here's the thing; I won't believe you. Because it's not true. How can it be? How can any of this be alright? I don't know. I don't know. I don't. I don't know. Help me. Save me. Free me. I'm dying. I'm dying, yet I live. I live in torment. It's too much. It's all too much. I need help. I need someone to help me. Please. Help. I can't do this alone. But no matter how much help I get, will it ever be enough? I don't know. And that scares me. I'm scared of what might happen. Of what could happen. Of what has already happened. I can't do this alone. But is it fair to drag others into this? I don't know. But I need help. Help me. Save me. I'm scared.

[galled]

Breath! And again. Breath!

What's triggered or happened?

The only thing I can make heads or tails of from your post is, well, we're all dying. It's sad to think about it, but we think that we're living, but we're all actually dying at the same time. It's the old glass half empty or half full.

We're here for you!

[npixelz]

Thank you.

It's just, first my brother had anger issues, and ended up leaving home, and hasn't contacted us since. Then I had anger issues, and I'm getting better, but that's only because I accepted help. And now my mom and sister are yelling at each other everyday, and it's just getting to be too much. It might've been better if we weren't born at all. All we do is cause problems.

[galled]

Sorry to hear about things. The way I see it is by being here you can be part of the solution and make things better. Is it just yelling or has it gotten physical? Are they on each other for something specific or just in general. Maybe someone on the outside needs to be brought in? Counseling perhaps?

[npixelz]

Maybe.
It was just yelling, but today, my mom told my sister to kill herself, and my sister later said "You're not my mom!" And then later, my mom apparently punched my sister and my sister kicked her. I think my mom was just trying to take my sisters phone, but my sister took it as a punch and tried to defend herself.
Mostly it's about my sister going to college, and my mom wanting my sister to get a job to help pay for it.
My sister has a counsellor, but it's not helping.

[galled]

Yep, there are probably better ways to handle things. Your mom is right about helping to pay for school. That's not unreasonable. Not so much about the rest.

I meant a counselor to mediate between your mom and sister.

[npixelz]

Yeah, there are. Yeah, she is.

Well, the counsellor does try a bit to do that as well. But, I know what you mean.

It's just... So hard... * hugs knees and starts crying*

[galled]

I know you're sensitive and you feel bad for them. But you're not the focus of it (thankfully) and not directly involved. So there's that. It could be a lot worse. Sometimes things appear a lot worse from the outside. It sounds like this kind of behavior has been going on for a while. Sometimes people adapt to the new normal so to speak.

[npixelz]

I just. I've always hated arguments and fighting. Even in video games and what not, I don't like arguments. But especially in real life. When I hear people arguing, I get so angry and sad. And it's happening every day. Every day. I don't want it to be the new normal. I want it to stop. I want it all to go away. Am I being selfish?

[galled]

That's normal to want people you love to get along. What I meant was your mom and sis think it's ok to act like that now. They need some outside eyes to remind them that it's not.

Actually it's them who are being selfish.

[npixelz]

My mom doesn't think it's ok, she gets angry because my sister is acting like a spoiled brat, it's my sister who seems to think it's ok to act like that.

Are you sure? I mean, it's none of my business, so maybe I shouldn't think like this, but I can't help it.

[galled]

From what I know now, it's your sister that's being selfish. (Yes, I'm sure!) Your mom is being sucked into that behaviour probably because she doesn't know how to deal with your sister and ends up fighting fire with fire essentially--which has proven not to solve anything.

How old is your sister? What does your dad say?

Pix, doesn't sound like any of this is your fault. You're a member of the household and you do live there, so it does concern you as such. But it's not unreasonable to not have to witness daily tirades. No one would want to live like that. I don't think your mom or sister do either. That's the funny bit in these kinds of situations. No one wants it, but they continue to go down the same road.

[npixelz]

Yeah, you're probably right.

She's two years younger than me. Don't get me started on my dad.

Yeah, I guess...

[npixelz]

A winter’s day
In a deep and dark December
I am alone
Gazing from my window
To the streets below
On a freshly fallen, silent shroud of snow

I am a rock
I am an island

[Watery Star]

*Hug*

Is there anywhere you can go to get outside of your house when it gets to be too much?
I use to take walks to get away from conflict at home when hiding out in my room wasn't enough.

Never allow yourself to think your life isn't worth it. You are worth so much, more than you could ever realize.
Things get tough at times. But find the strength that's inside of you. Don't let anyone take away your happiness.
Be defiant.
If you need to, need help holding on, then call a helpline in your country.

There are so many great things in this world. You are so creative too. Channel your emotions into making something beautiful.
Do you realize how much you've lifted our spirits here in this community?
How much you prose and poetry helped me when I was down?
And if it wasn't for you and this community that I doubt I'd be half as well as I am today.
You matter. The little things we do can make such an impact on others.
And if you're able to help one person isn't it worthwhile?
Think of all the people you've ever helped, big and small. That's something.
Hang in there because things will get better. I believe that if you do good you'll get good back in kind.
It might not be immediate, but in time it will. Hang in there for better, brighter future days to come.