AliCat's Alley Way

[NerdyAliCat]

Ah, where do you work if you don't mind me asking?
Next year i'm hoping to get into the school course that specializes in work skills and allows you to leave school once per week to sample a work placement experience.

It's been stressful. First week back and already assignments due and tests coming up.

[npixelz]

I'm cleaning buses. It's terrible.
I did that, but I didn't like my placement.

Oh dear.

Quick question; when you look up Windlyn, and it shows the link to the site, what image do you see? Because I see the Mew gijinka image I used for the Pokemon Guild.

[NerdyAliCat]

Oh geez that's a lotta seats to clean
I think you get to pick a general area of work that they place you in.

I have no idea what you're talking about? You mean if i search Windlyn and look in google images?

[npixelz]

Yeah, it is.
Yeah, I picked where I went, it just turned out to be the wrong choice.

No, when you look it up, and you see the link to the site, there's an image beside the link, what image do you see?

[Lemon Cheesecake]

I think it changes as you search it, Npixelz. But definitely give it a search...it is fun to see all the avatar item combinations in the images!

[npixelz]

It's been staying as the same thing for awhile now... Hmmm...

[Lemon Cheesecake]

well, I think the search engine looks at what YOU look at and populates around that, but I saw avatar combinations and art work from a variety of members who haven't been on for awhile and some who are - like yours.

[npixelz]

I see, I see. Cool! I was wondering why it was that, but it makes sense now. ^^

[NerdyAliCat]

Did you know this thread has over 60 pages and almost 930 posts??
Considering i didn't think anyone would post here i'm quite surprised.

[+] SPOILER

I probably should make more of an effort to join in conversation on here but i've been really exhausted lately.
I pushed myself a little too far in a race around my gigantic school oval because another class filled with people i knew were watching.
I came third in my race and my time was under 2 minutes so i was pretty happy, so was my teacher. I've had her as my sport teacher in the past and she was expecting me to walk the whole thing. I'm not a very athletic person... but after wards i was almost ready to pass out. I almost threw up and my head was spinning. My mum's afraid that i have asthma because it runs in the family.
On top of that i've been stressing out about what courses i want to do next year... university and tafe aren't options for me. I haven't picked any of the courses that would lead me to university because i'm doing the work experience course and it would be too much study to catch up on so it's not recommended to do both. But yesterday there was a university style expo at my school where we talked to different representatives from different universities and it just made me sad to see that i could do soo much more with my life yet a few months ago i wouldn't even dream of going to university and that i would have settled for some retail job for my whole life. But then i saw this one university/school that doesn't require any fancy shmancy university stuff and it specializes in art, media, filming and video gaming. All they require is that some previous media experience would be beneficial. It would be amazing to go there... but it's so expensive. And video games are my passion. It would be a dream to work with them in some kind of form.
It hurts me to do this but i've also decided that i'm not going to study Japanese at a higher level next year. I love the language, the entire culture and everything about Japan but i just find that learning it at school had put a huge weight on my shoulders and causes me unnecessary stress that isn't helping me with anything. I would rather study it as a hobby? Or even in my own time. I just feel like i don't need that extra stress at school and i don't want to dislike Japan because learning to read, speak and write it stresses me. But at the same time i don't want to regret giving this up. I feel lazy for giving it up. Like if i put more effort in i could do so much better but i don't put that extra effort in because it stresses me out to think about it. Every time we have a speaking assessment in Japanese and trying to learn the harder language rules gives me anxiety. But i feel like i'm letting people down.
'I wish i had that opportunity when i was your age' 'Sure, we don't mind. It's your decision but i'm just sad to see you giving up so easily' 'Maybe if you weren't so lazy...'
Yet i can't help but feel selfish that i want to do something with my life. I feel selfish for wanting to make my own choices. I feel selfish everytime i want to relax and hang out with friends. I feel selfish every time i hand a half-assed assignment in because i had a mental break down during the process. I feel selfish for ranting to my friends about my feelings when they keep all theirs inside. But i feel selfish for asking how they feel when they don't want to share.
Sometimes i just feel like a puppet and if i try and cut my own strings then i'll fall apart with no one to pick me back up. And after that puppet is dead and gone in an empty house, a ghost, an empty shell of what i used to be, will take my place and people will just walk right through me. A ghost that can change shape to what other people want me to be and the ghost will change and change until it's nothing like what it started as. The ghost doesn't haunt people but is instead haunted by other things.
I just don't have the energy to care anymore

This spoiler is a little bit depressing. It's just me ranting about things and i always find that typing it out helps a little bit

[Lemon Cheesecake]

Yay! Congratulations at almost reaching 1000 posts - we can help you get there!!

two things...are you getting good sleep? Are you eating a healthy diet and enough hydration because if you are not then it can affect your judgement...on the other hand letting out a little rant now and again can get us focusing back on what is important.

You have potential and it sounds like you want to do better with your life and that is very commendable, keep walking in that direction! Schools have scholarships and some courses you may need to get accepted into programs can be done online so check out all the possibilities open to you.

[npixelz]

First; congratulations on so many pages and posts.
Second; congratulations on getting third.
Third; I understand how choosing courses can be stressful. Luckily for me, or maybe unluckily, I was a slacker so by the time it came to actually choosing courses, I didn't have many options.
Fourth; if you can get into that university, and you have the money, I think you should go for it, since it seems like you really want to go.
Fifth; if you want to quit Japanese, then do it, it's not good to continue doing something that you know stresses you out, and I'm sure other people will understand.
Sixth; it's not selfish to want to do something with your life, it's healthy. If you didn't want to do anything, it would be unhealthy.
Seventh; you are not selfish, everything that you mentioned that makes you feel selfish are good, healthy things that you should do, that people need to do, that I wish more people did do.
Eighth; you are not a puppet, you are your own person, and you don't have to change for anyone else. If you're going to change something about yourself, change it FOR yourself. Change because YOU want to change. The two things one needs when doing ANYTHING, are sincerity and action, and not sincerity when it comes to other people, but sincerity in respect to YOURSELF, you do something because YOU want to do it, the reasons you do something have to do with YOUR needs, YOUR desires, YOUR wishes, NO ONE ELSES.
Ninth; I'm glad you decided to post about this, that way we can help.
Tenth; never forget that you are not alone. There are countless people going through similar things, and countless people who can help you. Just recently, I watched a video by Game Theory, stating that one of the main editors for Game Theory, committed suicide. In it, MatPat talked about mental health issues, and feelings like you've described. He said that you are not alone, and that more people care about you than you will ever realize. He said that every day is a battle that you must win, and he's right. Keep battling, keep fighting, and by God, don't you lose, ok? Don't. You. Lose. You are too loved, too important, too amazing, to lose to something like this. I may be childish sometimes, I may have anger issues, I may be a bit weird, but you, and this site, have helped me in my own battles, and I hope I can help you in yours. Stay strong, Ali, and keep on battling.

[galled]

I think it's awesome that you can push yourself when others would quit. That's a great quality and having that mental toughness means you can go further than most.

Decisions are hard, but because you're so young, you can make a few mistakes and recover from them. (The caveat is you have to learn from them!)

I agree that you shouldn't do anything that you hate or makes you feel bad unless the goal justifies the unpleasantness (or if you have no choice of course).

Selfishness is natural. We all are by nature, but it's through love and the ability to reason that we resist that tendency.

We're all here for you and freely offer all of our support!

[NerdyAliCat]

Thanks guys. I know i can always come to you to help me cheer up
But today i was just able to spend the whole day out with my two best friends. It was nice to just hang out with them and chat like we used to. We've all been so busy lately and we've all felt that we've been missing out on some time with each other so it was really nice to just relax.

[npixelz]

No problem. We're here for you.
That's awesome! I'm glad to hear that! ^^

[NerdyAliCat]

What have you been up to lately npixelz?